SATURDAY

but fuck it, right?

but fuck living in a bucket, right?
kick it.

fuck everybody at school; they can suck it, right?
wicked.

and fuck honor and ethics and every other nice thing that keeps me up at night,
sickened.
and fuck someone from some day who comes from someplace in the back of my head
and cuts one blade of grass from the casket
laid in the garden I placed in her heart and defaced it,
fuck it right?

itching
fuck it, right?
stitching my skin back together with the bloody sheets from my bed,
fuck it, right?
the bloody scenes in my head
every fucking time I look up or right
lynching

fuck posting my shit on soundcloud
facebook
twitter
tumblr
youtube
bandcamp
in my lap, posting to rapgenius
I grab steering cause this oncoming car's gonna kill me
fuck it, right?

fuck sitting in my car for an hour after work
cause I'm a coward to these jerks, but fuck it, right?

fuck wasting gas, driving into town
wasting all this wifi, siphoning this sound,
just jiving it around, trying to write everything down
from the skull of this ivory boy that I think is profound
but it's kinda fucking loud
moreso than it needs to be.
rap's a little too easy for me and not everyone is believing me when I rap about my struggles, too
or maybe you believe me, but
I struggle to
my friends all support me even though
I'm fucking doing so much better than them, they're going out of their minds
using knives to divide knuckles in two, but
fuck
it
right?

got my license
puff one jay
nevermind it,
cause come Sunday
my narrow mind is gonna be flooded by everything behind it

but fuck it, right?





1676, E. Wallum Lake Rd.

pull up in the driveway
birdhouse mailbox
oak tree pokes into the road, took the tails off
dodge it in a kia
send a text to momma, she thinks that I'm on the highway
turned seventeen, watch the cherry blossom bloom for the last time,
overgrown,
leaves are rotting soon

the fall's coming,
I gotta say goodbye

I crush weeds where flowers used to grow
raspberry trees still release their dying moans
climb branches that broke my arm to the deck where I ducked smoke alarms
slide the door
take a step into the room which was once warmed by a fireplace
now a strange mural
white and grey, golden walls
I remember when there was no gold at all
I used to lay in bed and button up my overalls
play the game of not stepping in the light,
roam the hallway
watch cartoons all day
walk into the kitchen, where we used to dare for a lie
woke up before school, spilled juice on the floor and cried,
watched mom clean it
I sing a truer sigh
these little regrets serve as pestilence through my life
the air misses a heartbeat
keep darkness in arm's reach
cold wind sneaks in a stark breeze
I feel my arm squeezed
I broke down walls
the guest room is mine
I studied visions
huddled in my bed, two to nine and past
nightmares every night
tried too hard to fight fears
mom would say "I'm right here, you're okay"
set in, estranged
ten to eleven, the range of the shouts like bullets
foul currents crept through my brain
as a bad dream grew
as a half-teen youth
mom would kneel down, "what would you do if everything changed?
for the first, I learned that everything breaks up
I laid, eyes open, trying hopefully to wake up

keep the house, knock your brain off, papa
started making hip-hop and sustained soft talk, but
trying to get my fame all proper
saturday nights, watching the pats, this became our chakra
watched a world decay
I started feeling eerie
skulk around sneakily, I found your brain bleeding
fourteen and up, I'm in my room, watching cartoons, feeling all coool
til you stop through
try to watch television with you but I'm not a rock, dude
never disappointed, just glad that I never copped brew
I like to slow myself, not destroy it
it just gave me some time to sit and listen to the voices
and I like the taste of breathing flames, burn my teeth and my brain
tell myself a dragon tale to ease the pain

I played a cast, a kid
a son
a different one
took a long time for me to believe that the shit was done
I guess I held on too long
cost me woolongs
now that everyone's officially moved on
I guess it's time to strike set for this play
put it on to teach me something I don't think I'll ever quite get
I don't think I memorized my lines well
Can't quote a single one
I broke the rules, packed a dime L
light it, smoke

pass a room where so much happened I don't know,
make a choice
my hands become empty
walk down the stairs, apartment for my grandfather
I took it when he got too sick to be left alone
studio outside, mom would sing and play
tried to turn me into something I jusr didn't play
now I thank god that she got me in to stay
open the garage door, doorknob's hot
sparks fly
trails of smoke in the sky
the front yard
the porch swing
the lord sings
funeral march
pass truths true to the heart
my life is a movie
I'm only shooting this part
on the porch with a bad son
shot myself in the eye too close with a cap gun
mom and dad said it was the toy's bad,
don't worry about it
you're still young
after this is done
anything can happen
you just have to be ready,
work hard,
and don't forget to have fun,

in the september wind, the cherry blossom blaze pink for the last time
I guess I should say a thing
I guess I should say what I think

this is the end of act 1.